Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sleep Deprived


I love sleep, I really love it. I used to say my favorite part of the day was going to bed, which Josh found a bit depressing. He'd say, "But you can't actually enjoy sleep because you're sleeping!?" And I'd say, "Are you kidding me? I can feel it, I've never been happier!" Well, that part probably isn't really true, but it is a marvelous moment when you're exhausted and you get to lay down and drift off and you feel the heavy rest settling in on you, oh it's heavenly. I've told him often how I'd love to sleep for 24 hours. He used to think that was impossible I think, and then he was introduced to my sister Tina and she topped that once. I come from a family of women who can pull all-nighters and are night-owls by nature, but when it comes to sleep, if given the chance, we'd be tough competition. Given the chance is the problem.

I have a few friends who say they're pretty good about getting by on little sleep and I wish they could bottle that stuff up and sell it. I don't know what you call it, endurance? I think I'm pretty good about enduring a lot of kinds of physical torture, as long as it's self inflicted, but when it's sleep, that's a whole different ballgame of torture. No thanks.

Josh likes sleep, but he does really well on not very much. Me? Used to. When I was in high school and college and hardly sleeping, I managed to get a lot done, I was exhausted, but in robot mode I suppose. Now with kids I'm responsible for keeping my cool, I'm supposed to be teaching these kids how to live happily and respectfully and if I'm short on sleep, that job becomes a lot harder than cranking out a research paper on little sleep. You're only responsible for yourself if you fail that paper and really, eating a half (or whole if it's really bad) carton of ice cream with roommates can soothe the paper grade, but failing your day as a parent just brings some more guilt to the stack that will come back to haunt you when your kid seems a little ill-adjusted and I think, "Is that because I acted like xyz with them??" And it's probably true. Yikes! The pressure!

So how do you get sleep with a newborn and two other kids at home? Not to get all mommy-blog on you with the never ending question, but yeah, that's one of the top things on my mind right now. I figure that kids are fairly resilient though and I think that overall I'm a pretty good mom and really, I think I notice it more than anyone else, which is good. My kids are as cute and sweet as ever and they adore the baby. They take care of him like he's one of their baby dolls, City even drew on his head and feet with a (sharp) pink pen because she wanted to play with him. That's how she plays.

Anyway, the thing is, and the whole reason I'm writing this, is because even though I'm wiped out, I'll finally lay in bed at night, baby is FINALLY asleep, and I just lay there. I listen to Josh fall fast asleep, listen to Rhett's loud breathing rhythm, and then listen to my own thoughts clouding my ability to listen to my sleep function announcement. And you know how when you tell yourself to go to sleep and how much you need it only makes you more anxious and then prolongs it so you try to think of other things and well, the cycle goes and when you finally drift, the baby wakes up to eat.

Which brings me to my last thought. I sat nodding off in my quiet dim closet in my rocking chair the other night, painfully aware of my sore throat that wasn't going to get better on my current sleep schedule and trying to get Rhett to wake up so he could finish eating and we could get some real sleep.

I thought, "I wonder how many other moms are out there sleep deprived and feeding their babies right now? How many are cleaning up barf or poopie diapers or soothing a child with a bad dream? Who else is awake? Nurses, doctors, they're all awake right now. I'm not so alone, there are plenty of sleep deprived people out there. If only I knew who they were, I'd get my phone, set it on silent and just start texting all the other new moms and what a fun bit of entertainment that would be to get me through my feedings. If they're awake and feeding, they could see the little light go off on their phones too and we could say, 'hey, how are you doing? What does it look like where you are right now? Are you reading? Watching tv?" Then we'd all be amused and happily buoyed up and then could drift off to sleep in bed. I love that idea.

I love more the idea of nursing in bed, but guaranteed, every time I nurse laying down, I get so so sore and then it leads to an infection if I try to do it after I'm sore anyway (they crack, etc). But that's not for me and honestly, I kind of enjoy my little bit of solitude with my baby. I like sharing those moments with him all quiet in the middle of the night just the two of us. I like that I have good books that I get to read that have been on my list forever and now that I'm nursing I finally have a chance to read them. I like that while I'm not thrilled to get up and feed him, I do get to open up my book and continue on with whatever happens next. I just finished Laura Bush's bio and now I'm reading "On the Corner of Bitter and Sweet." Not page turners, but very enjoyable. I read a page turner when he was a newborn (is he past that stage already?) and I actually had a hard time sleeping afterwards, ugh.

And that's that. No real story here, just a lot of sleepy rambling. Hope you get some tonight! Sleep that is. Ah, how times have changed.

Q: Do you have trouble falling asleep when you're tired? How do you finally fall asleep?
Q: If you're unwillingly up at night, what do you think about?

9 comments:

Tristen said...

I am so with you about the needing sleep-- especially with kids pushing my every button especially when I'm tired. It's a perplexing isssue. Sigh. I nurse while I sleep, I'm so sorry you get infections and can't do that also. I just pull my sweet baby to my chest, we snuggle and smile at each other for a while and then I fall asleep and wake up a little while later with my baby also asleep. I love it. But I love getting my sleep also, those months with new babies are so hard. I have been feeling sleep deprived lately also because my kids keep waking up (it's always at least one of the three) needing something and then Ken wakes up at 4:00 or 4:30 and needs a lunch made and then I just can't get back to bed after 5 am so I'm just burning the candle at all ends... So you aren't alone in the being exhausted. I do have a hard time falling asleep sometimes, I have to just consciously imagine blackness-- and then if any thought or anything wants to encroach the blackness I just spray it with black (in my minds eye) and it's gone. I also keep a paper near my bed and write a list so when I spray something black I don't care if it goes away forever. Eventually that works for me!

Enjoy your sweet little man, I love new babies, especially the smell of their sweet little baby breath. So jealous.

Unknown said...

For me it's just something that has to be gotten through. I can't find some magical solution, and the advice to sleep when the baby does came from someone who doesn't have more than one child at home. There were nights when I found myself really angry at the baby. Wishing he would just go to sleep, stop making that horrible crying noise, and leave me alone. That's when I knew I had hit my limit and turned him over to his Daddy. In the light of day, after a nap, he was much cuter and I could focus on the joy of that cry meaning he was healthy and that I could help him.

I couldn't nurse in bed with my last, my cousin lost a baby to smothering in the night just months before my baby was born. I had to sit up and rock him. There's peace in that, but it doesn't take away the fatigue.

I do think your idea to start a silent text ring of Mom's would be neat. There's nothing better to get you through tough things like a support group.

The good news is they grow up and sleep longer and you do get past it :-)

Kim said...

I'm getting decent sleep and if I'm not, it's my fault, not Juliet's:) When I'm anxious or something is on my mind, I a) write it down so I can get it out of my head and b)listen to this sleep guided imagery:
https://members.kaiserpermanente.org/redirects/listen/

It's magically effective:) I rarely make it through the whole thing without falling asleep.

mikila said...

I vouch for what Kim said. She recommended that website to me and it helped me a ton. Even though I'm not nursing, teething and sick kids is what is keeping me up at night. Blech. But with most things in life, there usually is an end. Thanks for this post though. It came just at a time where I'm barely getting enough sleep to hang on. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

Heidi said...

Anxiety would keep me awake after I had Julie. Imagining a color and listening to a guided meditation have also both worked for me. Sleep deprivation is soooo awful. Hang in there.

Afton said...

Seriously, I just wrote a long message back to everyone and it didn't post and didn't save. In a nutshell, thanks for all of your ideas! I tried spraying the black on my distractions last night and it kind of helped! I really need to try that imagery too. Angie, I'm so sad for your cousin and I think that perspective will help me to appreciate getting up a little more since I'm probably the one that sort of thing would happen to. Mikila, hang in there with me, we'll sleep again!

Alicia said...

Christopher and I are like you and Josh - only reversed! We like to joke that Christopher's ideal world would be where we would just sleep for a couple of days at a time, only to wake up for an hour or two - just to acknowledge the fact that we were sleeping - and then go back to sleep for 2 days. =) Kind of ironic, knowing Christopher and his intensity. =)

I think I'll be ready to start texting in a week or so - I love the idea! Emmett is just starting to sleep more in chunks, so I moved him to his crib for part of the night last night!

Lastly, whenever I'm up, I noticed I have a neighbor who frequently has their lights on at all kinds of hours of the night. Whenever I'm changing Emmett's diaper, I just look out the window and see them, and it makes me feel better, like you were saying, just knowing there's someone else out there...not sleeping either. =)

Here's hoping your sore throat is better and that you are sleeping well these days!!

Autumn said...

I think you know my thoughts on sleep-and Jake's. I wish I didn't need it and enjoy it as much as I do...but it seems to be a necessary evil for me. I dream that in the next life Jake and my weaknesses/strengths/needs will be opposite so we can then understand each other better. I love Rhett's sweater!!

Maginot said...

I hate how much sleep I need, and I agree the worst is when I am so so tired but for the life of me can not fall asleep. I wish I was someone who can survive better with little sleep, but I am not. So when I start getting sleep deprived I make sure to take naps. Often at the expense of other more "productive activities", cleaning, blogging, making a nicer dinner, etc. But I have found a better rested mom is the best and most productive use of my time. So my advice is take naps and not feel guilty about it.