Birth Story Part 3

I love this pic, he looks like a little tank.
FYI: This is a journal entry, so that's why it's novel length, sorry folks:).

I'm back! Sorry, this kid really has his days and nights confused and my mom and sister hit the road to go help others in distress (we got them for over FIVE awesome weeks though!!!), so I haven't had much time on the computer, only replying to urgent emails or reading stuff since I'm one handed while nursing. Josh took the girls to get an oil change (a real one, not a diaper change--that's just in case your dad and my dad have the same sense of humor) and I planned on napping, but I'm considering this story my journal entry and it's been nagging at me to finish, so here I am in my pjs and bathrobe at noon, sticky milk on my skin, teeth unbrushed, and trying to stay awake.

The rest of the story.

Why I was sent to L&D

When the doctor came in and told me I had to go to Labor and Delivery, I was shocked, and quickly irritated at what should have been a suggestion but came out like an order. I should add that she looked like she was twelve, and although that will treat her well when she's 80 and people ask her skin care secrets, it didn't do much to bolster my trust in her.

She told me that she was concerned because it had been a while and the baby hadn't moved, so in case something was wrong she wanted to do an ultrasound, but all of their machines were busy so I needed to go to L&D. I reminded her he had moved once and they only wanted him to move twice, so I wasn't sure why I needed to go to L&D when I really needed to go home so I could labor there and be with my kids. Her tone changed and her story became more serious, the more I declined her dr's orders (which made me question the truth, was this just her ego or was something really wrong?).

She said something was wrong and that they wouldn't send me over there if something wasn't wrong, "we don't send just anybody over there." Well why didn't you tell me that in the first place instead of saying you just needed to do more monitoring and your machines were full? I resisted saying that out loud. She said that the baby's heart rate should be fluctuating with every contraction and since it wasn't, something could be (changed to was after my resistance) wrong. I was confused since the tech had reassured me a few times that they weren't even real contractions, so if they weren't even "real" or rather, that intense, why should the baby be showing signs of being affected if they're so mild?

I realize they were just trying to make sure nothing was wrong, that's their job and I can appreciate that. But I didn't like that things weren't making a lot of sense the more we talked. I finally said, "I'm going to go home right now. My sister is leaving for the airport in an hour, I need to get childcare lined up, get my husband home, and then I'll come back in if you really want me to."

She was totally bugged and was pretty condescending at this point and I believe she said something along the lines of, "I mean things could be fine, but something could be seriously wrong and they might have to deliver you today." I didn't want to put my baby at risk, but I also didn't have any bad feelings about his health either. Things felt totally normal, he was always like this in the mornings and I was pretty sure I was going into labor anyway, so I'd be back later that day, just in our own time. But again, if there was any risk to him, I didn't want to ignore it, so I asked some more questions about why they were concerned.

She said because his heart rate wasn't fluctuating enough, and because of that, it might mean his fluid levels are low or he might not be getting enough oxygen or some other unknown reason because he was so overdue. I asked her what time frame they usually gave women to do through the fetal monitoring before they became concerned because I'd only been there an hour, and I had my fluid levels checked two days earlier and they were excellent. I asked, sincerely, how I could have lost 7 cm of fluid in two days without noticing (because it would have to be at least that for them to be considered "low.") She said she wasn't sure, but we needed to do more in depth monitoring anyway.

After my last time telling her I was leaving but would come back, she already had called another dr for reinforcements--literally blocking my way out--to tell me they "strrrrongly suggest" I go to L&D because I was putting my baby at risk and I might even need a c-section. Fine. Fine, fine, fine. If I really am putting my baby at risk, I want to know, I just had a hard time believing them since their story had escalated and didn't seem to make a lot of sense.

I was crushed. I had all these wonderful visions of laboring at home, trying out new laboring techniques, and getting to the hospital in just enough time to have the baby, and hopefully with minimal tearing thanks to my new techniques! I just knew it wouldn't go that way if I was going over right then. I'd heard too many stories about women being told to go there when they'd just shown up for regular appointments and then getting induced or c-sectioned. I'd always felt so bad for them, I hated thinking about how unprepared they'd feel. And here I was about to join that crowd.

It was so not what I'd planned or wanted and I hated how they were talking to me, it all seemed so much like scare tactics in a way. I asked if I could go to the bathroom first (although I wish I would have just told them to assert myself a little:), and she hesitantly said yes. I tried to gain composure since I was on the verge of tears and when I came out, there was a lady right there ready to escort me. That bugged me too because I wanted to just go by myself, I wanted some part of this experience to be my own and my choices.

Labor and Delivery Dept.

Then they told me to sit in the wheel chair, which I now wish I would have refused because I think it would have helped pick up my contractions if I'd had walked (I heard you have to be in a wheelchair if they tell you to, but how are they going to make me? ah, my regrets...). Thankfully the lady that wheeled me away was the sweetest lady ever, she looked at me sweetly and sympathetically and tried to mix humor with compassion. I started to cry on the way over and she put her hand on my shoulder. I had felt so lonely, stressed about the situation at home (sister on way to airport, trying to get sitter for my kids during everyone's naptime, getting Josh there, etc), and crushed that my labor wasn't going as planned. I was so desperate for comfort that I reached up and held her hand the rest of the way. I called Josh and told him the latest update was that they were sending me to L&D and that they told me I might need a c-section, I was in tears.

When we got to the L&D entry doors there were three doctors/nurses waiting there. My nurse said it looked like we'd better move aside and wait until they took care of whoever they were waiting for. Then they go, "Are you the one bring the lady in for labor and delivery?" She confirmed and they told us they were just waiting for us. I thought that was strange. Then we walked in the doors, checked in, then there were three more doctors/nurses waiting in the hall by a room, and all waiting for us too. What the heck?

After my sweet, maternal nurse left me, I tried to build a rapport with the new nurse and after everyone left the room she told me that there were so many people ready for me because they called over warning us that the girl they were bringing was really worked up (I felt like saying, "They thought that was worked up?") and to be ready because I might "try to bolt"--yes, those words. And what exactly were they going to do if I did try? Handcuff me there? Chase the pregnant lady down the hall? I said, "No, I would've told them first if I was going to bolt." But how priceless would that video had been on Youtube if I had run and they chased.

I then met the popular blonde girl from Sweet Valley High. Or rather, my doctor. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against popular blonde girls, it just looked like that was her part she was playing. She looked like she was still in high school and had a plastered smile on her face as she basically told me I needed to have a c-section. Sure, we can do it right after you finish your science project on delivering babies.

I'm really trying to not be so cranky about this, but she fit the part so well, and not that of a doctor. Had she played a great doctor, I'd be quite impressed with the little prodigy, but after it took her 10-15 minutes of doing an ultrasound to determine if the baby's head was down, not lying, I decided she played a better high schooler role. Thankfully she called another doctor in to confirm that the head was indeed down. Or she could have asked me or the nurse in the room since we'd both seemed to have seen that image more times than she had.

Then they checked me and I was at a 4 (I was at a 3 two days earlier). She and the nurses sounded like they had a breakthrough moment and told me in a sort of excited tone, "It looks like you might be in labor!" And waited for my surprised face back, seriously, it was kind of funny, they just stared at me with their surprised face quietly waiting for mine. They must not have passed that part of the story on to this wing that I thought I was in labor and that's why I wanted to go home.

Since the baby's fluid levels were unsurprisingly still great, his heart rate was still steady and in their happy range (close to 160), they were stumped at what the problem was with him. They started talking about doing a c-section. I told them I'd like to avoid that if at all possible. I also told them I needed to call my husband. So I called and told him the brief version of what was going on, but couldn't tell him what I really thought was going on because my nurse never left the room. I think at that point I asked him to come to the hospital yet, but it wasn't urgent so to go home first to help with the kids and arrange a sitter.

Before Josh got there, however, Jennifer, my resident dr, decided the baby might need more fluid, so she told me I needed an IV. When I started asking questions and asked if I could just try to hydrate by drinking, she brought in her BFF with gold dangly earrings and the same forced smile--the kind that looks like it's really screaming at you because that's what it's trying not to do--I know because I pull that one on my kids sometimes. It was esp amusing since they were sharing frustrations with me and keeping the smile there, but it looked like a real effort. Anyway, she was just there as another voice to tell me they knew best, I assume. They eventually told me that I was risking my baby's health by not trying this because he was clearly in distress and we needed to push the fluids to him as fast as possible and drinking it took too long. Again, fine, whatever, if I'm really risking his health, lets hook me up.

My pretending I'm having an awesome time there smile. And I loved that it had a prego belly on the picture below and in the recovery beds there was no stomach. I don't think the artists had seen a post-baby stomach before, because I still looked nice and pregnant.
Nothing changed. They started talking about c-section and when I started asking more questions, like, "At what point do you determine that a c-section is necessary with this situation?" She said it's just the whole picture they look at, like his fluid levels and heart rate. I said, "Since his fluid levels are good and his heart rate is good and steady--not fluctuating, but nothing wrong, what's the time frame that you give before you're concerned and then decide a c-section?" Her answer sounded like she'd pulled it straight from a text book, something like, "We're concerned now. In this situation we know three things to do. Give you more oxygen, give you an IV, and..." I forget the last one, but apparently they'd done it and because none of them made a difference, her answer was that something was seriously wrong, enough that it warranted a c-section. When she left, Katie the nurse was left.

Took an intermission, it's Sunday now.

She was frustrated too, but at least made an effort. She goes, "Do you understand what they're saying here? You say you do, but you don't look like you do." I told her my understanding of the situation, which was correct, until I got to the point of not being too concerned about it enough for a c-section. If his heart rate wasn't dropping, I didn't see the need to do one yet since it had only been 1hr 40min and I thought they usually gave the test two hours for movement. She didn't know where I'd heard that and said that they were just trying to get a healthy baby out and they wanted to do a c-section as a preventative measure since something wasn't right but they didn't know what.

She went on to tell me how she'd gone into pre-mature labor and was getting different recommendations from drs and nurses about what to do (after they'd stopped it and put her on bed rest in the hospital), but that ultimately she had to decide what was right for her and her baby and opted to do a c-section. Good thing because the cord was wrapped around her baby's neck a couple of times and something else was wrong and the baby very well could have died if she'd waited and also not done a c-section and they had no idea that anything was really wrong beforehand. I'm very glad that she did what she did for her baby, but I felt like she was telling me the same thing could very well be wrong with my baby so I should do the c-section.

Then she told me, "Look, a lot of doctors would have sent you straight to a c-section as soon as you came over here, these drs are trying to be accommodating to you because you're [so against it]. (I think those were her words.) I've seen lots of these situations where someone has come in here like this and they've gotten a c-section and something was wrong. I've also seen times when they've had a c-section and nothing was wrong. But, there are times when women have not done a c-section and something was wrong and then we've had to do emergency c-sections. You just never know, so what we're trying to do is prevent anything bad from happening."

I appreciated her trying to help me understand the risks better, but I didn't think my baby was that at risk. So I asked her what the risks were with waiting it out and what other options I had and she said, "Well, they might, they might give you pitocin, but if they do that, and if the baby can't handle these contractions (not handle them?), then there's a bigger risk that he won't be able to handle the contractions when they get stronger with pitocin and his heart rate might drop, and if that happens, you might have to have an emergency c-section and if that happens there is a chance you'll have to have general anesthesia and if that happens you could aspirate on the food you had this morning. So we're trying to prevent all of that and the chaos by having a c-section now."

I loved how her scenario including all the worst case possibilities instead of a more realistic view. It sounded like she was suggesting that's what would happen instead of a really small chance. I figured at this point it was a real possibility, so I said, "Okay, can you tell me about c-sections and what happens?" I think this was a turning point for her and that she realized I was just trying to understand the whirlwind of events and not trying to be defiant.

She said to call Josh, get him here, because I needed to have this baby. So I called Josh again and I told him the last minute things we needed to have in our hospital bag and then he arranged for my friend to come babysit the girls (hallelujah she wasn't working that day!!!). I'd arranged for my other friend to take Tina to the airport earlier during all of this too--thank goodness for wonderful friends, I can't think of a better time to have great, selfless friends!

Josh got home in time for the trade off of everyone, then came to join me. When asking him later, he said this was the first phone call that sounded urgent from me. I remember now that he was about to get off the phone and I asked him to just stay on and talk to me, about anything even, I just didn't want to be alone and was trying to keep myself in control-ish. Then he arrived and I was so glad to have him there, finally, some relief. I love him I love him I love him. It was so comforting to have just anyone join me, esp my husband who had an equal interest in this. Someone else to help talk to the staff, to make decisions with. He had called our brother in law on the way over who is a doctor and told me quickly (the staff was right there) that he agreed it wasn't a good sign. I wish I could have called and asked him more qs, but there really wasn't a good way. It wasn't great news, but it was from someone I trusted, so we were grateful for it.

They told us that the attending told them to do all the interventions they could try first and then she'd come visit, but they'd have to wait to break my water because in case something went wrong fast, they needed to have an operating room open and it wouldn't be for 15 min. Then the attending doctor came in a little bit after and she was like a breath of fresh air. She was calm, seemed confident, but not arrogant (my only beef with the arrogance thing is that I think it clouds their judgment if they feel threatened). She said something like, "Lets take a look...(I was at a 5 then) You're here because we're concerned, but we'll break your water and then hopefully your contractions will pick up and you'll be able to deliver your baby (naturally?/vaginally? something like that)." After she left, Josh got excited and sounded relieved and I just remember him telling me, "Did you hear that? It sounds like there's still hope!" It was wonderful news, it was such a relief and coming from someone that sounded like they knew what they were talking about because they'd actually been delivering babies for more than a week.

My unnatural natural birth.

She left and Jennifer, the resident dr, broke my water around 12:25pm and holy cow, those contractions exploded like they'd been trapped in there. It's crazy how quickly your body can go from being in average discomfort from contractions to mind blowing pain. I had flashbacks to all of the natural books I'd read about how it doesn't have to be painful, some even said it was an orgasmic experience because of the same muscles doing the same thing. I had all sorts of things go through my mind that I wanted to tell those authors at that point. What I was experiencing was far far from anything remotely connected to a happy place--who were those nutcases writing that stuff, were they high?

Right after they had broken my water, the dr left and the nurse told me to lay on my left side. I assumed it because she needed me that way for some reason, but then she started puttering around. My contractions were crazy bad at that point and I'd hoped to labor in my favorite sitting position, so I asked Josh if I had to be laying down, I hated laying on my side during the contractions. So he asked Katie and she was like, "Oh no, you can get up, we just have people lay like that usually..." Just get up, sure, I couldn't move at that point. I was so bugged. Had I known there was no good reason I was lying down, I never would have, but my contractions were so intense any movement seemed impossible.

After they broke my water and the contractions picked up, his heart rate started fluctuating with every one. Josh pointed it out to the nurse who agreed it was a good sign and then Jennifer came in and said that actually, his heart rate was dropping mostly after the contraction, so that was a bad sign. Oh brother. She may have been right, but she may have been wrong too I decided.

After all heck broke out with my contractions after they broke my water is the part I really had an issue with this place. I don't know if any of them had been in a room where someone was trying to do a "natural" birth, but they sure seemed oblivious to the needs of someone trying. I regret not having a video of the whole experience for various, it would be a good one. It would explain a bit more why I was in so much pain. They had all sorts of people in the room and I know they weren't trying to bump the bed or make life miserable, but they were bumping the bed, it felt constantly, just because there were so many people in there and trying to move around checking stats, adjusting my IV, monitors, trying to move me around.

I've felt some intense pain in my life, I used to have a top four most painful experiences of my life, but this took the #1 spot (bumped the pushing/tearing of City's labor to #2, Hazel's labor pre-epidural to #3 and the Boston Marathon to #4 and kicked "Super Black Death" hike at Philmont (the name gives such great imagery doesn't it?) to #5). They also seemed to think I'd be able to think and talk during all this, even the transition phase as I was mumbling about wanting to throw up. They were asking questions, trying to talk to us about a c-section and who knows what else, but they were talking, which felt like they were hitting my head with a pan every word they spoke.

What I remember from this part of my misery was feeling like I needed to throw up, nobody seeming to hear me, at least not enough to get me a tray, feeling sharp, intense pain everywhere, the contractions not letting up, and lots of noise, movement, and chaos, feeling suffocated by the oxygen mask (I held it off my face during most peaks) and more of nobody hearing me when I'd ask for things like ice for my parched mouth (finally getting some 90 min after he was born) or help with counter-pressure because the drs were trying to talk to Josh during all this too so I didn't have his full attention.

Then they decided they wanted to get a more accurate read on his heart rate so they put a monitor on his head. And then suddenly there was a rush of drs and nurses flooding the room. It was a blur for me, and I just remember hearing lots of frantic talking, jerking the bed around (dropping it to get it ready to move me to c-section), I think talk of emergency c-section and something about his heart rate. The worst part of the labor happened when they told me to flip sides and said something about they know it's hard, but Move! I don't think they had a clue about knowing what it felt like, but I realize that was irrelevant and it was important to get a better read on the monitor, so they helped me move. Torture, torture.

Everyone sounded so nervous so I mumbled to Josh to tell them it was okay to do a c-section if we needed to. He didn't say anything, so I wasn't sure he heard me, esp since I figured Josh would be jumping to do the safest thing. I said it again, partially for selfish reasons so I could get the darn epidural and get that kid out. Josh eventually told them, but things settled quickly at that point. They said that when they switched monitors his heart rate flattened to zero, so there were 10 drs/nurses in there and they were about to take me to do an emergency c-section, but then they added another heart monitor and it went right back to 160. Josh told me he wasn't anxious to tell them to do a c-section because it looked way too coincidental that his heart rate flattened right when they switched monitors so it looked like they just didn't get it on his head correctly. He said it looked like the nurse noticed the coincidence too and suggested adding another monitor just to be sure and so they added another monitor and ta-da, his heart rate went right back to what it was. Nice. Thank goodness for the nurse.

At this point the pain was really unmanageable. It was heartbreaking how things were going, it wasn't at all the kind of environment where I could focus on breathing and my happy places. It was so overwhelming I didn't have time to think about anything I'd planned to try, and Josh was focused on everything else that was going on and the drs talking to him, so I just remembered the last thing I'd read in the hypno-birthing book about imagining I was in a field laying on 18 inches of strawberry mist and it going gently over me...I did that over and over and over. It wasn't relaxing in the least, and I didn't have the mental capacity to move from strawberry mist to orange, so I was stuck in strawberry mist agony trying to forget the pain. Guess you really do have to practice that stuff besides the morning of! However, it did give me something to think about, so I still think it helped.

But not enough, at which point I told Josh I wanted the epidural. I had told him beforehand to ask me to be sure I wanted it and to have them check me first and tell me how close I was, etc. So he asked me if I was sure I wanted it reminding me how we'd talked about it (ie, I wanted him to ask me). "Yes! I'm sure!" The nurse laughed and said she thought it sounded like I was sure. I felt bad for Josh because I'm sure he felt a little like a jerk asking me if I'm suuure I wanted it when I was in agony, but I'm glad it did, it bought me time. I heard someone saying to hurry and get the lady because things were moving fast--although nobody had checked me since they broke my water.

The anesthesiologist came in and they told me to sit up on the side of the bed (which really doesn't sound hard, but I was cemented to the bed I tell you!). I finally get to where they want me and they cleaned my back. Meanwhile I felt like I needed to push and mumbled something about it to the nurse. She didn't hear me, so I said I needed to be checked. She didn't hear me and Josh didn't either, but he chimed in anyway asking to check me first. They didn't seem to hear him either, or at least pay attention because then I heard the lady behind me directing someone else saying, "Now just put it rrrright there..." which sorta freaked me out knowing it was a teaching hospital. Josh quickly interrupted them asking to check me again, he later told me they were coming at me with the needle and had it right by my skin.

I'm surprised they didn't check me before they were going to give the epidural, because something could have gone seriously wrong if I had a sudden urge to push as she was administering it and she gave me the shot. Which almost happened. They had me lay on my back and the nurse checked me and goes, "There's his head!! Get a doctor in here! I am DELIVERING this baby, get a doctor in here!" I think she said something about holding his head in too, uh, I was trying to push him out, not in.

I think she said something about not pushing. I think that's such a ridiculous suggestion, next time you have explosive diarrhea try to hold that in. So I pushed, but controlled hoping I wouldn't tear as much. I heard Josh excited saying he could see his head and his hair and I had another flashback to a book saying at this point, the mom may be exhausted and discouraged and if she reaches down and touches her baby it might give her a boost in encouragement. I realized most of those books weren't written for me because I couldn't move, I didn't care a bit about touching his head, I just wanted him O-U-T!

With Felicity I was so in a zen state throughout the labor (also non-medicated) that I was basically silent through the whole labor (done almost entirely at home) until the pushing stage at which point I screamed bloody murder through the two pushes (a few minutes) of getting that girl out. And I mean scream like I didn't know it was possible to scream like that. But with this one, the pain was so bad and adding all the bumping and distractions, I remember making sounds of pain, lots of them I think, but not screaming by any means. I remembered hearing after City's birth to try not to scream because it could make the contractions worse. So when I started pushing his head out I just remembered trying to not tear in half down there and to do it as slow as I could and I didn't even feel like screaming this time. Which may have been because I knew the pain to expect so it wasn't a shock.

Jennifer hurried in as I was pushing his head out and then within that one push, his head came out. Then right after I felt the crazy urge to push again and so I pushed his shoulders and body out in my second push. It is the craziest feeling. I mean it hurts like the devil. Like. the. devil. But it's also weird, this giant thing is contorting around inside you and with all these strange shapes and corners to it slipping out as you tear open to let it come, it's so weird.

As I was pushing him out, the nurse pulled my gown down over my stomach and put a blanket on top, but I had wanted skin to skin, so in the middle of my second push, I lifted up my gown just in time to grab my baby and put him on my stomach. I don't even know what I was feeling, relief mostly. Yes, that was probably the overriding emotion. Relief he was fine, he was healthy, I didn't have to be induced or have the epidural, no c-section, and it was over. Well, he was out, the fun was far from over.

It was incredible to hold him there, all wet and slimy on me, safe with his mommy. I usually cringe a little at the thought of being all slimy and gross when I'm clean (I don't care once I'm dirty to get dirtier), but I had to tell myself before this that I could shower after--I know, pretty silly of me, just a thing I have. So I held him in all his slimy radiance and started to fall for him. It wasn't instant love per se, and not that it wasn't, it was just that my feelings were more of instant relief and gratitude for him at that point. I was still in a significant amount of pain, but oh how marvelous it was to finally have him.

He was quiet and bluish though, and that made me a little nervous. The nurses and dr weren't concerned at all--which I have to say was a shocker since they were concerned about everything else, but I guess it's just the unknown they were scared about which makes sense. They said it was normal and I'd remembered that it can take up to two minutes of them not crying and still be fine. It wasn't nearly that long, but my girls just screamed upon entering the world, so I expected that. I rubbed his back and just kept saying, "My baby, my baby, hi my baby, hi baby..." It was an overwhelming and euphoric experience finally holding him after everything that had gone down. He was my comfort too, I'd felt so alone through the experience, except for him. It was like we'd gone through all of this together, so he was my little buddy. He was perfect. He cried a little, got a great apgar score and then quieted down quickly and just laid on me. It was incredible. He was born 45 min after they broke my water.

I feel like I should say a word about my desire for a natural birth. I was induced with Hazel even though I'd hoped for a natural birth with her, but I was overdue, at a 3 and Josh was going to enter the bar exam for 3 days with no cell phone, so we opted to do it instead of risking not having him there. So I got an epidural, it didn't work at all, so they re-gave it to me and then I couldn't feel a darn thing. I had wanted to feel what it was like to give birth, I thought it was a miraculous event that I wanted to be a part of. I wanted to know how women for thousands of years have had children in every part of the world. I imagined Eve and Mary giving birth and thought it would be a neat connection to feel what they felt in bringing a child into the world. I was really disappointed with the whole induction/epidural bit because I felt like such a bystander one of the most important times in my life. I also tore, was cut, tore again, and was cut again--all the way to the back, yep, that was fun. I think it happened partially because I couldn't feel anything so I pushed that girl out fast. With City I labored at home until I was about to have that baby and got there just in time to push her out. It was an incredibly empowering and awesome experience, minus the pushing, so I wanted to do it again.

That all said, I'm not saying everyone should do it, I think everyone should read, learn, and decide how they'd like it to go, granted things don't always turn out that way, but a plan is a good idea. If it's having an epidural so you can fully enjoy the experience without the pain, I totally get that, it was was bliss to hold Hazel right after she was born because I didn't feel any pain. On the other hand, I couldn't hold City for 5 minutes after she was born because I hurt too bad and was shaking like a maniac, but the rest of the experience was so incredible I wanted it again. But this labor wasn't at all how I envisioned my "natural birth" going. While it was unmedicated, being hooked up to oxygen, an IV, two monitors on his head, two on my stomach, and tons of people in and out, talking and bumping, it was far from natural, which is why I asked for the epidural, this wasn't the experience I was looking for!

If only having the baby was the end of it. Then I had to push that darn placenta out and then came the stitching and cleaning out blood clots. Eww you say, yep, lots of ew with childbirth. As she started to go to town rebuilding me down there, they took our baby boy (ahh...so fun to say that!) to weigh and measure him. He was 9lb 7.7ounces and 20.5 inches. He looked so perfect and round, no cone head like our poor girls. He was so stinkin cute, I was falling in love so fast.


I asked Josh to come back from where the baby was to be with me because she was shooting me up down there and it hurt like crazy. I can't remember if she stitched or cleaned out my clots first, but it was a circus-o-fun. She kept reaching her arm up me to clean out clots and went on about how many I had. Oh my word, this was a close second to the labor pain. She kept digging and scrapping around in there. I was sure Josh's hand would be covered in bruises after all this, I was gripping him like a mad woman. I was pushing his hand with all my strength with him pushing back, I don't know why, but it felt good to release some force to hold in my screaming. I wish Josh had gotten a picture of that. But this comes close.

I believe if you put him in a bed, added some hair and a baby on his stomach, it would be exactly what I looked like that. I actually had this picture flash to my mind during the whole thing, just silently screaming. And it was only silent because I was holding my baby on my stomach which was a good reminder to try to be calm and to not squeeze him. If I'm making it sound like it took a long time, it did, 1hr 30min to be exact of being shot up with several needles in my hoo ha, dug around with the drs arm up there for who knows how long and getting stitched up with the meds worn off. Yeah, so this was my face for 90 min unless Josh was taking a picture of me, I shut my trap and made a controlled grimace.

My confidence in dr Jennifer continued to wane as she did this. She convinced me this had to be one of her first, if not the first, delivery. She kept thinking she was done cleaning me out, finally asking for the attending dr to check me. Still more to clean out apparently, so back in. And for saying it was only a 2nd degree tear, it sure took a long time to do.

Josh pointed out that to look on the bright side he was glad she was at least trying to take her time and do a good job instead of hurrying through it. I said to him later, "You thought she was competent?" And he said no, he was just glad she was trying to do a good job by taking her time. Half the time she'd put her needle in I'd let a yelp of pain out and she was like, "You feel that? Hm, I've given you a lot of medication already, you shouldn't feel that." Well I did, so give me some more. So she kept giving me shots of numbing stuff, but it wasn't very effective. During the baby's circumcision, we learned that the numbing meds wear off after 15 minutes. And then it all made sense. Oh, I just looked her up on Kaiser's website and guess what? She was a 1st year resident. Go figure.

Here's a lovely shot of me getting stitched or dug out. No really, I think it's quite lovely for what's happening, it's not my "scream" shot. I was using my imagery/focus stuff here.


Throughout it all, they kept asking me if I wanted some meds. They suggested a few different kinds I think, including morphine, but I didn't know what the different effects would have on nursing, so I just asked if she was almost done and she kept saying yes. I'm sure she believed this, it's like when I tell Josh I'm almost done writing this and I really believe it, but then it takes hours :). Anyway, I didn't take any meds during this part mostly because I was ignorant about their effects and I didn't think it would take much longer, so I said no thanks. Holy cow though, I should have taken something though, even Ibuprofen or something. Part of me also thought she might pick up the pace if she knew I was in pain. Guess not.

Oh, the pain! Little baby got a few bruises on his way out too, they guess from my pelvic bone. His journey doesn't sound very fun either, poor guy.

And here you all probably thought when you saw this the first time, "What a nice picture!" Not, "She's smiling for a picture while they're giving her shots down there."


Josh editing out my face-o-pain.


Finally she finished up the torture session and then there were three nurses who started going, "Oh my gosh, look at him! It's just the like Youtube video!" And more of the same, I looked and the baby had totally wiggled himself up to my breast and had started to find my nipple to nurse. Sorry, I hate the word nipple as much as the next person, but it was soo soo soo cool I have to share. With Hazel the nurse was like, "Okay, put them on to nurse now." Which had always bugged me because the room was full of people right after because it was a shift change and I wanted to try to nursing for the first time in more private and intimate situation.


This was so amazing because it was on his own time. It was like the first natural thing about this whole experience. Since it had taken the dr so long to get Humpty Dumpty back together again, I hadn't noticed the baby making his way to my breast and by the time she was done he'd gotten there, so in a way I should be grateful it took so long because I don't think I would have thought to let him try to get there alone. By this point, I liked the nurses because Katie was the one who noticed the monitor slip and prevented the c-section and she seemed competent and then two others had joined her and they were just really nice and supportive after I had the baby telling me how awesome and tough I was, so I liked them :). And it was neat to share the experience with people that thought it was cool.


And then he nursed like a champ. It was shocking, I'd struggled with the other two a lot, and it was like a gift for all the bad things that had happened, I'd gotten this sweet tempered baby that even nursed well. He just cried briefly for a minute after he came out but then just laid on my stomach quietly until he nursed and has had the same excellent disposition since. He was just so chill in the womb they thought something was wrong, but that's just him we decided. Oh, and speaking of, we'd tried to make friends with the dr and nurses through all this because we knew that was the best way to get them to work with us and after he was delivered they all told us that nothing at all had been wrong and that it looks like I just had such a fast labor that that's how he handled it. It was validating to hear that. And seeing our happy little man now makes me think he just didn't see a good reason to get worked up about it and stayed nice and steady, just too steady for them. He's so awesome, I love him!

And a little note of irony: my little sister had been with us a FULL three weeks to help and my mom came back for over two weeks after the baby was born, but there was a 6 hour window of time in between when neither would be there. Tina's flight left at 12:50pm, so she left at 11:30 and my mom was driving like a mad woman from Ohio and got there at 5:30pm, and I had him at 1:06 (I think?). And I had even told my friends Wednesday night that I just knew that he'd come in that window. But I didn't know how psychic I really was!

In the end I have to give it to my dr and nurses for doing what they thought was best. I know I didn't agree with them, but they were doing what they knew to do and ultimately we got the healthy baby out of it.

We waited a few hours before calling anyone. It took forever to fix me up down there and then nursing him took some time, but I also wasn't up to talking to anyone for a while. I was so spent and had different emotions I was trying to sort. Here is just on the first phone call to his parents.

After each of the girls, Josh went out and got me Jack in the Box, so we were pretty happy there was one right around the corner. I couldn't let that giant empty hole in my stomach go empty, just think how much room I had to eat now!

The girls first meeting him was really sweet. My mom brought them over shortly after she arrived. They had both been crazy into babies so we figured they'd go nuts over him, but it being our own baby and seeing me in the hospital and the crazy day of different people switching off without me ever saying goodbye I think was a bit much for them to process. Felicity was pretty uncertain the first day but much more comfortable the second day.

Hazel did great. She was a tiny bit apprehensive about how to treat him, but she was excited and proud.

My awesome mom who drove thousands of miles in a couple of days to get there for us and still had energy left over.

I don't know either, but it's cute. I love that City is still trying to figure him out.

The baby was super alert for being a newborn which was really fun.
First family picture with baby boy.
My mom bought out the pasta market for us the second night. It's sooo good to have mom around! Oh, and since I wasn't there to get the hospital bag together I didn't have face wash. I think that's the first time in close to 10 years I haven't washed my face after wearing makeup and I learned a neat trick--my eye make up sort of stays put, yay!
Checking him out.

They are so adorable, aren't they? And that's why we want more:).