My girls have been fascinated with the whole "privates" business and why are they private and what does it mean to be modest and who can they dress in front of and who can see them or help them wipe, uh, exhausting sometimes. I try to keep conversations short, simple, to the point, and move on so that it's not a big deal, but it's still a high point of curiosity.
Some might suggest just not talking about it yet, and if we lived in a safe world, I'd probably save some conversations for later or be more generous with who can do what, but I've had too many people close to me deal with their children getting molested (by men close to them) for me to avoid this conversation. I want my kids to know in a safe, simple way what boundaries they should have with others but to do so without causing them any concern--quite tricky with a 2 and 4 year old.
I think we've actually done a pretty good job and I'm hoping the questions will stop soon just because I don't want them to be thinking about privacy so much. I can totally understand the curiosity though, it makes sense, they're young, they're becoming aware, and there are things they know they need to be careful with that are important. I'm glad we can talk about it and I'm glad I have the gospel perspective to base our conversations on.
Hazel has told me a few times over the summer about wanting to wear some immodest things. It's pretty cute how the conversations go because she doesn't know how to describe things in their common lingo, so she shows me and tells me about wanting to wear a "bra" for a swimming suit, etc. Recently we had a conversation like this:
H: "Mom, it makes me mad when people are immodest."
Me: "Why does it make you mad, honey?"
H: "Because...hmm" (thinking how to explain) "When ___ was immodest, I wanted to wear what she was wearing and it makes me mad I can't wear it."
She wasn't mad when she told me, I think she was just trying to explain her frustration. I was so glad she talked to me though, I told her about how special and sacred our bodies are and how they're a gift from Heavenly Father so we need to take good care of them and by staying modest is one way to show we care about our bodies. I told her I understood though and that there will be a lot of things in life that will look fun to do that our friends might do but that won't be the best choices but that there are always going to be other good choices that will make us happy.
I thought of my formal dance days and living far far from the land of modesty and having to find creative ways to stay within my standards. It so wasn't easy, but in the end, I came up with some pretty fun things that I loved, and only happened because I wanted to stick to my standards (and I probably couldn't have left the house if not:).
I told Josh after our talk about it and how I can't believe I'm having this kind of talk with my 4 year old already--isn't it supposed to be my 14 year old? Probably then too I suppose. I just hope I can convey it in appropriate ways and without her placing judgment on others. I've been careful to tell her to not tell other people if she thinks they're immodest and that a lot of people just don't know about modesty very well and she actually seems to get that. City on the other hand might be the one to blurt things out more or to test those limits someday...can't wait.
Q: Have you had this kind of talk with your kids?
Q: Any tips that have been effective for you?
7 comments:
We're doing the modesty talks at our house already too...and she's just three!! Just wait til you get to compare 'girl parts' and 'boy parts.' That's fun!
Afton, I think it really is key to do this now! Just think--if you try to start being modest when she's 14, it would be so hard to go back to a different set of standards. So it's great that you're having this talk with your four-year-old.
We've tried to have our kids dress the way we'd want them to dress when they're 12 or 14 or 16, etc. Now I must say, I don't have the girls wear knee-length shorts, but we don't wear sleeveless dresses and we usually add leggings with a skirt. We frame it like you do as something we do that's respectful for our bodies, but we've also found that our girls are very into "looking like a lady," so that's our code word for "pull your skirt down, because we can see your underwear..." we just say, "please sit like a lady."
I've also been interested to see how they really notice when people are NOT modest--lots of comments about girls' summer attire and clothing models, etc. I really think it's so important to begin as you mean to go on. It just makes it easier all around.
I must say, our girls haven't been very curious about the difference between their bodies and their little brother's--the only comment they've made is that "he can peepee really far so run away when his diaper is off!" and that's been it.
modesty talks definitely need to come early these days! celia clearly knows what dressing modestly is all about and madsen has learned it from her. they'll whisper in my ear, instead of blurting it out, if they see someone who's not dressing modestly.:) my talks with celia have come up mainly because she always (and i mean ALWAYS) wears skirts and dresses! she HAS to wear leggings or shorts under her outfits or she can't leave the house. i've kept our talks short as well, and having a boy around the house hasn't created a whole lot of fascination in "differences" yet...we'll see what happens with that...
also, having a third child around (meaning, i'm constantly nursing with two older siblings around to see) has brought up modesty conversations. i don't completely cover up when i'm nursing at home (maybe i should) because it's just too much of a hassle. i'm still discreet about it, though. what are your thoughts on that, now that #3 will be coming soon??
along a different line, we've decided as a general rule that there will be NO sleepovers. Ever. not now (except at grandma's), and especially not when they're older. but i can talk more about that later...
we obviously haven't had that talk yet. but really, we probably should...even though i will pick out what leah wears for most of her life...it's still good that she understand it, i suppose. on a different yet similar note, i feel like parents with girls have different fears about the world than parents with boys. this is a link to a friend's blog who has 2 boys ages 7 and 5 and how she taught them about pornograpy. early? maybe. but maybe not. interesting i thought...and sounds like it turned out well. http://jeffandashleyknight.blogspot.com/2010/09/our-family-home-evening-experience.html
i think it's great you're answering you girls' questions in an open manner without trying to make a scene.
Just wait until Jr. comes along and they want to know why he looks different when you change his diaper. It opens a whole new set of conversations. I think you have the right approach. Just simple truthful answers with no more detail than they need to satisfy their curiosity. At least I hope that's the right approach, because it's all I've got :-)
It is funny you posted this today...earlier today I was at the mall and as I looked at the modest/immodest clothes and wondered about how to dress my daughters modestly with the changing styles that are out there, I thought about you and how you are able to dress modestly and in style...I guess it all goes back to your dancing days. Thanks!
Wow-way to explain your feelings Hazel!!
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