Thought Overload

I haven't written in forever because basically, I've just felt too crummy. I'm opting to write right now instead of napping (although I'm hoping to get a few minutes after) because we're going on vacation tomorrow and I probably won't be able to write then and I feel so behind on my thoughts. And not that anyone needs to read these, it's just helpful for me to organize myself this way and to sort of put these thoughts to rest.

First baby ultrasound

This was really cool. We saw the baby for the first time and I'd been nervous it wasn't alive for some reason. I had anxiety about it and was probably just whacked out thanks to my hormones. But we saw it, and it was jumping around like it was at a bounce house and it was so much cooler than I thought a third child ultrasound would be.

We showed the kids the pics of the alien baby and of course they see nothing but blurry black and white smears, but they were still very interested. They then listened to my belly to hear the baby swimming. It's City's new hobby and she gets very animated about it.


Tired of being sick and tired

This really doesn't need to be discussed, but I'm dumping thoughts off. I'm just sick of being in a constant state of yuckiness, nausea and headache. I'm also sort of tired of trying to look like I'm feeling well, it's like an acting class and I'm always performing. Nobody expects that, but it's just easier on everyone if I don't walk around moping and whining so much. As soon as I leave a social event, church, public, I head straight to sitting or laying position and check out for a while while Hazel, my little angel nurse, brings me a wet washcloth at her own doing. More on that in a sec.

I've been really touched by how considerate people have been to keep tabs on me and ask how I'm feeling, I just wish I had a new answer and that I'm all better, hooray! I feel like such a killjoy saying I'm still sick. So thankfully, things have gotten better, not great yet, but better than before, so I can happily and honestly report to people now that I'm getting better so I can skip making them feel bad for me. You know what I mean?

My kids and how great they've been during this

Felicity just makes me laugh non-stop. Here she is collecting things again.

I don't know how she thought of it the first time, maybe she remembered Josh doing it for me, but Hazel loves getting me washcloths. They're usually dripping wet and leave a trail, but it's so sweet. When she runs out of washcloths, she gets hand towels. This was the funniest time because I hadn't done laundry in so long that we'd run out of all of those and she just found a big towel, soaked part of it, and came running. I LOVE her!
One day, a few weeks ago, I was having a particularly trying day. We have these wicked birds that start screeching at 5:30am every day and they wake us all up. So my kids were up early this one day and then hardly napped. I was exhausted, sick, feeling pretty hopeless and totally cranky and tired of being sick. I had tried to lay down for a nap when something or one of them woke the other up. I lost it with my kids who had been fighting and immediately regretted it, but didn't exactly feel in control enough to go approach them yet. I angrily put them in their own rooms while I went back to my room sobbing and called Josh at 3pm asking when he'd be home.

*This may be where some of you who have offered to help say, "Why didn't you call me?" And I so wish I would have, but I just didn't even know what to call about. Come make me sane? Make me feel better? Tell my kids I really do love them despite my behavior? I don't know, I wish I did.

So Josh suggested that I calm down and then go gently talk to Hazel and just hug her. He didn't think it would be bad if she saw me crying for a few reasons. I went into her room and asked Hazel if she would give me a hug and my ever forgiving and sweet Hazel totally hugged me. I brought her to my room and we laid on the couch where she just kept hugging and snuggling me trying to make me feel better. I talked to her about how I've been feeling sick and what that does to me after a while and I was sorry, etc. She said up and sweetly said, "You just need to get through it...(thinking)...just like Jesus did."

I totally lost it then, here my 3yr old daughter was teaching me about the atonement in my hour of need. We'd been talking about it a lot recently and I was shocked and amazed that it had registered and she could apply it. She was like my little angel that came to comfort me during my hour. We then invited City in and she is typically not into affection or being still, but she could see something unusual was going on, like her mom a total mess, and she came up and hugged me one after another. It wasn't the calm snuggling like Hazel, it was a very active series of hugs Felicity style. It was really tender, she kissed me a lot too.

That was long, but something that sort of shifted my life. It's pretty amazing the things I can learn from my kids. Like being totally forgiving on top of the profound lessons they teach me.

Housekeeper talk

The other night after we had guests (ie, lots of dishes) and Josh was doing the dishes--I was even helping clean up the kitchen--Josh asked if we should get a housekeeper/cleaning lady. Those were words I never thought would come out of his mouth. EVER. But then again, this place has gotten pretty dirty and he's usually been the one cleaning it up if my friends didn't beat him to it. It was funny almost to hear him say that, and a little sad.

I was sorry I've done so little to keep things in order and here I'd been thinking that I've been doing so well because I've started to do laundry (although the piles of clean clothes just keep getting higher), trying to put meal stuff away, and even tying up and making the bed sometimes.

I've tried to convince him that I really do love a clean house, and one of order and that I would eagerly get things into shape if I only felt up to it. But I just feel so stinkin sick and tired after I do the essential things, like feeding, personal/kid hygiene and getting us all dressed, that all of my ambitious hopes and dreams for the day get put on the "maybe later" list.

I talked to him about maybe hiring our babysitter who is awesome to just come clean the house and pay her $10 an hour (since she cleans the whole time she babysits for less than this anyway), but then decided I'll just go to Ohio for a while. This isn't a solution, but it will help. My friend is getting married, my niece, Hazel's age, is having a bday party, my two other sisters will be in town, and Josh will be gone for a chunk of it, so the timing just works out to be a good time. And we're headed to OR for a little reunion on his side tomorrow afternoon, so we'll basically be out of the house for August and with us gone, things can't get much worse here and maybe I'll just feel well enough to start putting life back together when I get back.

Ahh, friends are like medicine

I know I've written about some of my friends and how great they are to help me, but really, I have so many nice and selfless friends that I've come to very much appreciate through all this. I have had so many people help me--babysit for me, clean my dishes, bring me flowers, it's been like a love bath. THANK YOU!

I've gone to lots of social events the past month and I've nearly not gone to most of them, esp if they were at night, but Josh has pushed me to go saying if I'm going to be sick, I might as well go where I'll have more fun than sitting on the couch. And every time he's been right. I have realized that my friends have made me forget how I feel so much more effectively than my meds have. I love that there are so many different kinds of people, so many different conversations to be had. It's been such a wonderful break to talk to people who care and who make my life interesting.

Anger

There was a day a few weeks ago that I was angry. Then I had one last week too. I don't like this emotion at all I decided and am grateful it was such a shock to my system instead of a familiar one. FYI, I get frustrated with my kids, but I wouldn't say angry. The days I was angry
both happened to be days I visited the doctor. Day #1 set me off because the doctor found out I'd gained 12 pounds already and she decided for every pound I needed another lecture because she wouldn't lay off it the whole time. Back off woman. I was so ticked.

I wanted Josh to speak up and tell her about my marathons I did last year and the half I'd finished only six weeks earlier and that I'm a very health conscious kind of person usually and that this is really just a survival thing. Well, he didn't and I couldn't get much of a word in between her lectures, but he told me after that he thinks that may have concerned her more.

I called my mom as I was leaving because I really just wanted to vent and she suggested I go eat an ice cream sundae to show her. I opted for a white pasta salad with fresh mozzarella--she had recoiled when I told her I'd been eating lots of white carbs with, "ohhh, those are really bad for you..."

I weighed myself the next morning and it was actually only 10 pounds (based on my starting weight that was also in the nude first thing in the morning). I weighed myself a week later and it was only 8 pounds, so I must have really just pigged out the night before that visit. I felt vindicated. Still a little sausage-y, but vindicated nonetheless.

The other time was really just a series of frustrations and emotions, one being they only give me 4.5 days worth of meds so I have to keep going back to refill them. And I waited for 30 min and finally went to ask what the prob was and the guy was surprised at how long I really had waited only to discover my meds had been ready nearly the whole time and the scanner to show my name on the board must not have worked. I popped a pill immediately, mostly because I needed it, but partially because I hoped they'd see they were making people in need wait. Yes, a little sassy, I know.

There were other factors, like going to a pointless class forever that was mandatory for first trimester people, even though I wasn't in mine any more, and trying to plan logistics for vacations that weren't working out how I'd hoped. And other things, but just a lousy day.
I went to my friend Janelle's, who had my girls, and as soon as I walked in the door--thinking I looked normal--she sent me straight to the recliner and got me some cold water only to come back to me crying in her couch. She was wonderful and went and got us lunch after chilling me out a bit.

Point is, I didn't like being angry. And I don't want to be angry again, although I'm pretty sure that will just happen someday. Thankfully, I'm over it.

Nearly perfect husband

I've told Josh throughout my pregnancy that he's the perfect husband. During the weeks that were the worst when I really didn't move from my spot on the bed or couch much, he was absolutely incredible. His job is draining, yet he seemed to have unlimited energy when he'd come home to a pathetic, usually chaotic situation. He would make dinner, clean up, get the kids ready for bed, and do it with a smile. All with me blubbering about how wonderful he was. He said something interesting, it was something like, "You still don't understand? If you treat me like a king, I want to act like one," or to that effect.

He said the energy must just be a direct blessing because he really felt renewed energy to take care of all of us. And he didn't just do things that I asked him to do, he was totally pro-active. I'd start looking crazy and sick and he'd jump up and grab me a lemon slice and ask what I wanted to eat. Nothing ever sounded good, so he'd spout off the list of things he could think of with me usually saying, "no...no...no..." and finally we'd figure something out to calm my system down for a bit. But I loved that he would just jump up to help. I'm sure he knew that I wasn't going to think of anything useful in that state so the faster he was the better, but still, really sweet.

The stresses of work and home are starting to catch up to him though and so this vaca is good timing. He deserves a break!

Temple trip

I didn't think we'd be going to the temple any time soon because it's proved to be a physically painful experience when I've gone in the past. I'm in a place that I can't munch on food, sometimes in the same place for a while, getting nauseated without conveniently being able to move/leave, etc. But my friend suggested a swap where we just go up together and do sealings and trade babysitting. PERFECT.

It was such a great experience and so nice to get to go again. We only did 30 min of sealings, but it was so nice to be in the temple, to feel the spirit, to be with Josh doing something uplifting, and to know our kids were having a great time. They had so much fun going around the visitors center and temple grounds. It was a spectacular sunny day and lots of brides, it was purely relaxing and knowing we had nothing to do but wait for our friends to come out and wander around was truly heavenly.

At night I ask my kids if they had any sad parts about the day and then ask them about happy parts. Hazel said her happy part she wanted to share was going to the temple. Which is pretty neat when you consider we went to a restaurant afterward where she had a hamburger, fries and bubblegum ice cream.

Oh, and I ran into a friend there I haven't seen in probably 18 years but we've kept in touch via blogs. It was so fun! And now we're planning on a dinner date.

Coupons and deals

I've found some stellar coupons and deals recently that have really floated my boat. One, the deal I listed on my blog, and oh how giddy I am about shabby apple dollars! A few other groupon deals that I'm very excited about too. My sister also tipped me off from one of her deal sites about a potential secret toy sale at Target so I went first thing the morning of and sure enough, there was one, 75% off! It was so fun. Hazel had $9 from her two sets of gparents for her bday and they'd suggested the dollar store.

Well, she bought a really cool iron and ironing board for kids--normally $20 for $4.24 and was happy to have money left over and to get to iron her clothes all during nap time. She seriously asked if she had to try to nap or if she could just iron her clothes (we'd bought her new clothes at Josh's request since we realized she's been wearing mini skirts to church every week). She not only ironed every new item, she'd tried them all on too. It was sooo cute! And I was thrilled about the sale and teaching her about sales too. She told the check out person it was on a good sale.

New bar stools

This could also fall under the deals section and after assembling them I've wondered if they were too good of a deal because the hydraulics didn't work (you know, make them go up and down)--but then we realized the problem was that City had shoved something in it so Josh just had to disassemble them and voila, cool spinning and up and down bar stools to finally go with our bar! I love them, so do the girls. They eat breakfast at the bar every day, or so I hear from Josh who now stays late so I can sleep in while he feeds them:).

Oh, and this is when City told me that no, I could not have the phone back, she was talking to grandpa.


Q: Blah blah blah, are you so bored yet? Do you have any of these thoughts too?