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This is how we've been living.
Sure things shift around and we are like gypsies in our own home, but still, nothing is truly in order, and the whole shifting over and over bit adds to us feeling unsettled.
This is where Hazel sleeps, so restful right? No wonder she's tired and has bad dreams. The crib is tucked behind the "bookshelf" on the right. I try to cover up the junk with a blanket when she sleeps and put a blanket on the slats of her crib so she's in a little cocoon instead of chaos, but really, it's mostly just pathetic.
This was the night before our floor was torn out for asbestos removal, the plastic was up just for the mold removal before they knew about the asbestos.
We had to put our stuff somewhere. So we ate out here, and some mornings were very cold and I'm such a cold pansy. The girls were champs. Oh, and dishes were easier out here, just hose them off! This resembles the way some people always live where I grew up. But without actually using the stuff.
This is the most current pic of the insde, we're on concrete but the kitchen is getting more in place and we're eating in a much more organized and comfortable fashion. Even have the fridge nearby!
The real kitchen.
This is how we'd been living and then...last night I went to one of the quarterly enrichment meetings. It was on dealing with stress, and I've had my fair share lately. My friend Whitney came over to drop off her baby today while she ran and I think she, like others, just couldn't really imagine what our house situation was like until she was on the premises seeing the chaos and complete unrest.
I've told some people here that my house is torn up and we're living in a dump and they're like, "Yeah, me too..." or something along the lines. I'm sure it's an effort to be validating, but it's a little scary to see our house and then imagine living in it. Even with a friend and not a stranger, I was totally embarassed at the state of things. Needless to say it's like an breeding ground for stress because there just isn't anywhere to relax.
There is no system to anything, it's a constant danger zone for City--who yeah yeah people with boys say they're so different from nice, sweet, CALM girls, this girl is an animal. Cute, but an insatiable curiousity for all things dangerous and messy. I found her with the sharpest scissors in the house today--how would I ever let her get a hold of those you ask? She made her way into one of the bedrooms, climbed up something (just piles of "somethings" all over) to get into a temporary landing spot for a drawer of office things.
Anyway, the house, the decisions with the house, my little ethicial dilema that is slowly getting worked out and the never-ending chaos has started to get to me. I was looking forward to an evening learning about coping with stress.
When I walked in the speaker started talking about stressful things and fight or flight mode and after getting me in a nice anxious mood, then asked if any of us have had the opportunity to experience this lately. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my stress down if I opened my mouth, so I didn't. Others did and as they did and the more she talked about it, my heart started racing and I started sweating, I looked at the door wondering if there was a tactful way I could leave. There wasn't.
I already know I have issues with anxiety, so I'm not blaming this on the instructor, but I was getting totally wound up inside. She talked about our minds spinning at night and how they're mostly thoughts about the past and future and how we can't change those so work on eliminating those. But those almost never are my thoughts because I have so many present urgent things going on that my mind races with deadlines and decisions. And money has recently been involved, which happens to be a limited resource, so I really do have to sort things out and be careful and I feel like there isn't any time during the day to think.
Her suggestions that I heard involved a lot of breathing, which might help, for a few minutes anyway, but then a lot of quiet time. Imagine this with two toddlers:
-Try to sit for 30-60 seconds quietly when you enter your car to break up the momentum.
-Drive without any background noise. In my car, it's music or whining usually, so I go with music.
-Eat dinner in silence occassionally just enjoying the food and letting it be a rich experience.
(are you laughing yet or just dumb struck?)
I'm sure there were other useful suggestions and these would all be great if you didn't have kids or contractors banging or walking through your house, but for me, it felt more and more hopeless the more she talked like I would never be able to manage it.
When she was done I resisted the urge to immediately get out of there for some fresh air, but stayed and talked with some other girls. That was the turning point for me. As much as I'm entertained by breathing and chimes and interpretive dancing like I did at NYU, for me, the true outlet is talking and friendship.
I shared with them some of my parenting struggles and recent stresses and there I gained hope and even some ideas. But that's for another day.
I eventually left but then stayed and talked in the parking lot with another friend, Michelle, for about an hour (we tend to do that because she's just got a good listening ear and great point-blank advice). We talked about various things, the temple, parenting, marriage, communication, pessimism, change...it was so rejuvenating! My night had turned around thanks to a little girl talk and connecting with others.
This is Michelle.
So here's to all of you in my life who I've ever shared a conversation with or just some lines on the blog. Thank you! It lifts my spirits and gives me hope when a snapshot of my living quarters and other issues going on might even stress out the least needy among you. Friends always can redeem a bad situation I've decided.
I plan to have a lot of this resolved as the house gets in order. I'll keep you posted.
Q: What's your best way to de-stress?
6 comments:
I'm not sure if this is healthy or not healthy but I usually end up crying uncontrollably with my face in a bathroom towel so nobody can hear my sniffling (embarrassing!) or crying myself to sleep. Somehow that is so cathartic for me and tends to be my first step in really de-stressing.
But like you said, a good chat with friends because chances are they can relate and you can vent and find some sort of humor in the situations. And they usually have something hilarious to contribute to your plight and it's so fun to laugh about things that are so serious and so troubling usually in life.
Another major de-stressor is DEFINITELY time at the park with my kids (we've got a similar age and temperament situation as it seems like you guys have over at your house) so they can climb up and over and play freely without my losing my temper at them because they are making a mess or breaking something. I tend to do the park thing without friends so I REALLY don't have to worry about dividing my attention from them (which leads to more misbehavior for them and stress for me).
I'm so sorry your house is in such chaos, but I'm so impressed that you guys have been able to just keep on plugging through it! It seems like you are going to get through it sooner than later and maybe someday you will laugh about it. My husband's mom had some major anxiety issues when they were re-doing their floors (they did it themselves and it took them almost 6 months) because her house was in chaos, so it's a very real thing that you were describing.
If this adds stress, just say no, but we would love to have you guys down to Berkeley sometime in the next few weeks or month if it fits into your schedule-- either we'll do dinner at our apartment or Ken and I can take your kids and you and Josh can go out for a fun date to explore Berkeley. Our kids would get along great with yours and we can put them to bed and feed them and just keep them like ours for as long as you need! Both options are great for us, just let us know if a time opens up for you to come down and we can be spontaneous. Or we can put it off for a few months until you get settled, whatever works for you.
I love and miss you, Afton.
Afton, I have the perfect solution to your dilemma; SF date night at Fisherman's wharf, Ghiradelli Square or other nearby local with free babysitting to boot! We're moved in and live about 2 blocks from the wharf now. You should pick a night and we will plan on it.
And by the way, I love your honesty. Honesty seems like a rare commodity on blogs these days! ;-)
Oh wow, just reading about that Enrichment makes me stressed! It's too bad that she didn't focus on some other more mother-friendly ways to reduce stress.
I personally like talking to a friend, running, or sleeping. Usually any of those will make me feel 100% better....or all three together if I'm really lucky. :)
I'm so glad you have your floor in! Now at least you can feel like you're in a house when you are walking in it.
We can't wait to see you guys at the wedding time and hopefully Thanksgiving. You are so fun!
You all are so nice, exactly my point, aren't friends great? I love that I've met so many awesome people through Josh's family too:).
Tristen, we would love to come to your place for dinner sometime! I've been wanting to see you since we've moved here, just let us know when you have an open time and we'll come, it'll be so fun to catch up! Thanks for your sympathy and tips too. Sometimes I wish I could cry but I seem to have mostly dried up my tear ducts the past few years unfortunately--because it is so cathartic. I really like your park suggestion, I think I'll do that a lot more, I need to.
Amanda, I miss you too, move here okay? Actually, sounds like Ryan is pretty busy, congrats by the way!
Vanessa, you little saint. We wanted to invite you to dinner on Sunday while the Parkers were here, she may have even called you, I just know we were having trouble thinking of a good time since we were also taking engagement pics for Ang Hansen Sunday afternoon. We would love to come visit you guys--and with you, not as babysitters! You're so sweet! We would really love that, so lets plan a time.
Elisa, we're on for Thanksgiving if you are, we're really excited to see you guys again and to have some more down time for the kids to play. Thanks for putting us up again! I agree with your de-stressors, although I haven't worked out since the marathon...maybe it's time. And sleep, isn't it heavenly? I don't feel like there is EVER enough.
My best stress reducer is calm, soft instrumental music, and something to do - like work out, or clean. Anything that I can do without my kids. I can't de-stress when they're around. But Lizzie loves to cuddle, and that's a nice de-stressor too after I've exhausted my body physically.
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