Two days ago I started weaning Felicity from nursing. It was the start of a horrible experience. I've skipped feedings before and had other people give her bottles, but me giving her a bottle instead of nursing felt so wrong, so detached. It probably wouldn't have if this weren't the end and I was just recovering from thrush or needed a break, but I'm choosing to end it and end it earlier than a year.
City is 9 months, I was already pregnant again at this stage when I was nursing Hazel and my milk just dried up which was like the hugest blessing because for almost all of those 9 months I'd been sore, cracked, bleeding, pussy, thrush-infected, whatever, it was just bad. Just when I'd heal from one affliction, another would start. So naturally I was elated when my milk dried up because I felt like it was out of my hands, couldn't try any harder, hallelujah I was done!
This time around it's been so different, I now understand why moms like it, it is a bonding experience not a time of dreaded torture every few hours. It's been special, almost a sacred time with my baby. With a toddler around and City getting so independent, it's been our special time that I get to spend with her, but now I have to stop.
As soon as I got pregnant with her we decided we'd take a couple's trip after I was done nursing her so for once in a few years I wouldn't be attached to a baby in any physical way. I'd been looking forward to that freedom for so long emotionally, so we put the date at the earliest we thought would be okay for her and chose just longer than I'd nursed Hazel. Isn't she cute?
Now we're going to Peru Oct 19 and while I'm excited, it's waning. We've both realized that 9 days away from our girls will be agonzing and we probably won't enjoy our last several days nearly as much because we'll be wanting to come home, but now this whole nursing thing is tearing at me. Felicity was screaming when I wouldn't nurse her, any time she'd get close to my chest she'd settle down and open her mouth expectantly and I'd have to pull her away only to more tears and screams. I teared up too naturally.
So what to do? One option is to try to maintain one feeding at night, but that would mean pumping every night while we're hiking and trying to find a place to wash out the pump. That isn't a big deal, but it sort of defeats the whole reason we are going right now, so I could be totally detached from babies--which is exactly what's eating me up too. The problem with that is that I'm not sure that she'll even nurse after not for 2.5 weeks (I'm going to go totally without for a week before so she's not crazy with my mom).
Or I could obviously stop, which I'm currently planning on doing since my pediatrician doesn't think my milk will hold up unless I pump a few times a day.
I just feel so selfish, so betraying. I've never really known the great things breast milk does for babies, just heard it was great so I planned on it and didn't think I'd have any problems letting go, but to stop prematurely for my own reasons is really tough and I feel so guilty. I know she'll be fine and formula is fine, but I know breastmilk is better and I will miss that special bond.
I have limited pics on this computer, but here she is.
Q: What would you do?Q: Do you think she'd nurse after not for 2.5 weeks?
Q: Can you relate?
10 comments:
oh, Afton, I totally know the roller coaster with nursing! On the one hand, it IS so stressful and you just long to be free, but in the same moment, you're just so glad to be able to nurse (as ouchy as it can be)and create that bond with the baby, and hate to see it end. I've always let mine have a say in when they end, partially because I'm a big wus, and always cave during the crying. I've also always weaned mine slowly (one feeding at a time), which seems to help us. Sorry I don't have any good advice, but I so remember the trauma of the decision.
Are you quitting cold turkey? In my experience, it's easier to drop a feeding every few days or week. Since you have 17 days, I would just drop a feeding every few days, but quitting all at once doesn't sound very fun for either of you (and if your milk just dried up with Hazel and you're still nursing regularly with Felicity, be prepared for a LOT OF PAIN--it took about two weeks after I quit nursing Juliet for things to sort of reabsorb, and that was quitting after getting down to only one feeding a day).
It sounds like you're pretty ambivalent about going on this trip--I'm assuming it's pretty set at this point and you can't change it, but I'm wondering if you'll be able to enjoy it much if you're feeling guilt over not nursing, plus being away from your kids and missing them--just wondering if you might have more fun in another couple of months.
After two weeks of not nursing, you MIGHT be able to keep nursing for one or so feedings a day, but that might be even more confusing to Felicity--and I really don't think you'll want to wean her twice!
And finally, let me sympathize--I waited until Juliet was a year to wean her, and it was still really difficult for me emotionally, because I still felt like I was shortchanging her of the continued benefits of nursing. And she was REALLY angry about the whole thing, and refused to drink anything for about a week, and I was pretty much using every trick in the book to get fluids down that child. But six weeks later, she's fine with her sippy cup, and it's nice to be able to go somewhere at night without worrying about whether she'll go to sleep without nursing, or to leave in the morning before she's up. Although I do miss my snuggle time with her--it seemed like the only chance I got to really have that quiet alone time with her as a second child with an attention-seeking older sibling.
Girl, my heart goes out to you. I really can't relate as I am still nursing Zane (yeah, he's 15+ months, but whatever) and see no end in sight (and that's fine). I hope you enjoy the trip so much. Hugs!!!
Wow, I had JUST been wondering about this and was going to ask you if you were still nursing! Yikes, that is so hard!! Hmm. It is so hard to say what I'd do-I'm really not sure! I am betting she probably would still nurse after being away, but I am no expert. In situations like this I try to ask myself what I'd feel most guilty doing. If I were to pump while I'm gone, and come back, would I be mad at myself for doing it, or would I be happy that I took the chance? Would I feel more guilty if she seemed interested in nursing and I couldn't? And then I'd try to make a decision that I could stick with and not constantly question myself about. Sorry, that's not too helpful because I can't really relate! I'd very much love to know what you decide!
Afton, I quit nursing Emrie when she was 3 months old. I went back to work and just dried up, but no matter what all advice you get, formaula worked best for us. When we started her on formula, she slept through the night and was alot happier-she was full. It will definitely take some time and I KNOW how YOU FEEL, it is such a bonding experience, but you don't want her running around the playground and running up to you asking for milk! Stay Strong, FORMULA HERE YOU COME ALL THE WAY :)
I really appreciate all of your thoughts, it's nice to hear what other moms would do or just the sympathy! In all honesty, we'd probably reschedule the trip if it was just the frequent flier tix that we lined up, but we also bought two different legs of flights once in Peru, a train ride, hotels, and our hike that you have to book months in advance, so it's pretty set unfortunately.
After hearing your thoughts, I'm considering still pumping once a night just in case. Actually, the more I think about what all of you said, now I'm leaning that direction more and more as I write. I think then I'll know I at least gave it a shot and then every time I nurse her I won't be so sad.
I'm a very sentimental person so each time I nurse I think it's one of our last times and it sounds silly (or would have to me pre-City) how sad that is. Yeah, I think I'll try to keep it up just once a night and then even if she's not interested in nursing maybe I can just pump some more once I'm back.
My only positive thought that's come out of all of this is that it will probably be a welcome break for my body. I feel like I've been beating it up with all this running and the dieting I was doing plus nursing, I'm just sucking my body dry of energy. And those are just the physical drains, so taking nursing off the docket might charge me up again. ? Maybe?
DId any of you feel a noticeable change in energy once you stopped?
Hahha, Patti I loved the visual of her running up asking for milk! I just got this after posting my comment. I would definitely stop before that point! Was Emrie mad when you stopped?
Oh Afton, I know exactly how you feel because I came REALLy close to giving up nursing about 10 times with Andrew since I was engorged, then had mastitis 3 times, was bleeding, cracked, in pain for 6 months straight until my chest finally got used to nursing. But even though I would be in tears from it hurting so bad, it made me want to cry when I thought about stopping just to make me feel more comfortable. It's like my maternal instinct screamed in my ears that I was being too selfish if I did that. And i LOVED the fact that I was doing something hard for my baby, even though I didn't enjoy the actual nursing experience until after 6 months passed. I was really glad I stuck with it, and luckily it hasn't been hard with Annika. It sounds like you are now thinking you'll try to pump once a night while you're gone, and I think that is what I would do, just so I wouldn't feel guilty. And then if she won't nurse after that, at least you know you gave it your best shot. Less guilty tears hopefully that way. Good luck with the decision! The trip does sound fun though, I am jealous. :)
Elisa, sounds so horrible for you! I'm sorry this time around hasn't been the opposite, better yes, but you deserve a total break after such a horrible first round! I think we're similar in feeling good about sticking with something hard and getting satisfaction out of the mere idea that you're sacrificing something for your baby. Kind of annoying though isn't it?
That's how it was with Hazel anyway, this time I actually enjoy it and so I don't want to stop! So hard, but now I'm thinking about totally stopping, I just go back and forth, ahh! How long do you plan to nurse Annika?
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